Familiar and Strange Life

Finally I came back to this place, everything looks so familiar, but with different heart, everything also looks strange. We just left for three months, there are spider webs everywhere and tons of ashes, extremely mass of the garden. The cockroach family members seems like not very happy about our arrival, simply, they have to die for this. I threw lots of rubbish, including lots of books back to my high school time. I still feel a little pity about those books before, but now, thrown them into the bin without even thinking. Once decide to have a new life, everything that belongs to the past has to be thrown away. The only task I left is my clothes, the washing machine will have a tough day tomorrow...

One Watch, One Ring

I am wearing those two items almost 24 hours a day. I would never take them off unless the shower time. And, I only need one for each, that would be enough.

Watch represents the time. No matter when or where, I need to know exactly what time it is. It is incredible hard for me to live without knowing the time. 50 times would be the bottom line of the count for me to look at my watch everyday. Even there are watches on the wall or on the table, I would still lift my hand and watch my wrist. Same things happened when I was in the shower, I was trying to find the watch on my wrist which I already took it off.

Ring represents love, also means commitment, promise and stable relationship. I can feel it at any time, then I can also feel her existance. I do not know how anyone else feels about the meaning of the ring, it is very important for me. Ring means so much from my point of view, I have to keep wearing it to set my heart at rest. I really hope this pair of rings would represents our long distance relationship would have a happy ending.

Distance between our homes:  8,689.07 km

Day 62-64 had no English version.

Evolutions

Without suffering, there is no growth.
Without failures, there is no sucess.
Without doing the wrong thing, there will be no acknowledgment of the right thing.
Without experiencing by ourselves, there will be no truly understandings.

Remove the fogs and watch the new world.
The world without 100%.
The world without absolute.
The only thing it has is belief.
Because of that, the life becomes meaningful.

High expectation always brings high disappointment.
Plans could never approach the speed of change.
Only the current life is real.
Only the short scheme is viable.
Future dreams can only be the power which would push us forward.
But pure dreams are meaningless for us.

Plan is important,
But it has to has a limit.
Devotion of love is necessary,
But with only loves, there will be no future.

Reconsidered many things, the time we passed, the relationship we had, the value of our loves, the capability of myself. The way I made before is right, and it will not be changed. I just need to make few different changes in my mind. It is the time for my fanatic heart to be cooled. The way can be seen more clearer with calmed heart and fewer stupid mistakes would be made. But everything I would pay will not be decreased, after all, it is long distance relationship, it requires more power to maintain it.

There is no 100% things to be sure. Disasters can be happened at any monment. But in case we lived in this world, we all should have the basic risk spirit.

Lossers In Love

How to define a losser in love? Never fall in love, leave this side of world blank? Or had many relationships but no results in the end? Then some people fell in love for 8 or 9 years but finally broke up, or really like someone for many years but just can not be together, or those divorced couples, are these people count as the losser in love? If so, then no one is the winner untill they approach the end of their lives.

Because of the failure, the lose, people would learn how to treasure the relationship they currently had. The wound of the broken heart can not be cured by themselves, only "others" can heal it, the right person. Everyone is deemed to meet his/her other half, but not all of them can hold this precious opportunity. Once they lost it, the rest of the waiting is just like hoping to win a lottery. There are so many things happen once, but do not mean they will happen again. If we don't want to be the losser of the love when standing at the edge of the end of our lives, look carefully around us, find each opportunity and grab it tightly. With the growth of our ages, there are so many things can not be given up easily.

Those days would be the most strength days I had never been through. What did I do in those days? Nothing. Thats the best answer I can provide. Except one dinner per day plus sleep and toliet time, I barely remember the rest. It was a completely mass inside my heart. I just can not concentrate on anything. I tried to play some games, watch some movies to make this better, but the game can not lasts for 20 mins before I found extremely bored and I can not tell what was the movie talking about even I "watched" it.

Mind is such a mystical thing. Even I knew the truth, I am 100% sure that something could not happen, my mind was still act like a wild horse which was out of control. Maybe all of these are happened becuse of "the first time". I hope same thing won't happen again after these.

Those three days are finally over, I strongly feel my unmature side is quite large inside me. Under the confident surface, the extreme fear of lossing is hiding there. And reasons for the fear are mostly from myself. Did I work hard enough? Did I pay enough? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong... Too many things to worry about. At some certain moments, the gathering worries flushed into my brain and stunned it.

Time is still too short, I want to buy more time to understand this different world that I had never been stepped into.

Wordless

Been sitting in front of computer, staring at the screen for an hour, still got no clue about today's diary. I did do something today, I did think about something today, but it is hard to put all of these into sentences.

Days and nights, time passed as always. Am I happy now? YES. This is the life I am satisfied at the current stage, but I can do more, I can make it better, much better. The details of the happiness can be stated, but words could not represent the feeling precisely. I do know the answer for this question, and it is very positive.

Happiness

Happiness is one kind of human emotion, it doesn't depend on people's life status, but depends on their minds. Everything looks gorgeous at the moment when people feel happy. The farmer works so hard in the field, but he feels happy, then he is happy. Another man sits in his mansion but he doesn't feel happy, then he is not happy. Actually, when you feel you are happy, then you are happy. Happiness and unhappiness are all inside your heart.

Learn to be satisfied, trying to find the happiness around us.

Day 54 was missed due to uncapable use of computer.

Speed of Time

It is hard to feel the speed of time. Everytime when I staring at my watch, feel the time for one second to pass, the speed of time just slows down, it takes too "long" to pass a short time period. The time slows when we pay attention to watch it and feel it. Everytime when I start playing games, time runs so fast, without paying attention to the time but focusing on something else, tens of hours passed in one blink.

Now I did count everyday, I knew exactly how many days since we met. I can also roughly remembered what were we doing in most of those days. But, even with paying great attention to the time, it still flows away so fast...

The speed of time fears me, happy time is always short.

Day 52 missed due to limited time of using computer.

Quiet

It is kind amazing that my mood is finally quiet now. Even I didn't feel any difference in the day, but late in the evening, my heart is just like one quiet lake, no more ripples, no more nonsense thinking.
I feel like an oracle, I could sense the distance, the existence. Makes me feel peaceful.

One Person

The time left had became shorter and shorter, I have to return back to the situation which only me. I have been alone for so many years, but now, I just don't want this would happen again.
Fears come out of my heart. I have to face it. I need to be strong, strong enough to challenge myself, to defeat my fear, to control my emotion. My mind is still not mature enough, some of thoughts are still childish. I need more growth.

Road We Passed

Its been 50 days now, but acturally we didn't stay together that long. We all have our own businesses to take care in the end of the year, and looking into the future, for quite a long time, we would still be separated. There are no other ways to solve this as long as we choose to be together. I really don't know what could I feel after I come back to Australia, but there are a lot of work waits me there, the work that has to be done. It may takes years for us to be finally together, but that's the road I picked.

New Year

Happy new year, may everything goes smooth this year.
No wars.
No disasters.
No suject failures.
No illnesses.
No Economic Crisis.

New year, new soul.

Bring Me To Life

Evanesence

How can you see into my eyes like open dorrs
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home.
Wake me up
Wake me up inside
I can't wake up
Wake me up inside
Save me
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know that I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

Save me
Call my name and save me from the dark
Wake me up
Did my blood to run
I can't wake up
Before I come undone
Save me
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life